Things To Do List Satire: Calling the Baltimore Sun

It's a Sunday night here in Roanoke, Va., and that only means one thing: Listening to music from the '30s and '40s on our local NPR radio station (to the folks at WVTF, just kidding, we love what you do for us and I am actually listening to '30s and '40s music........even though Steely Dan and Supertramp are really my speed)......

Oh, about our last entry, yeah, that was an April Fool's Joke, but we did watch the Final 4 games on tv. And, we didn't tape them, so there was no avoiding the annoying Southwest Airlines ads.

So, since there is not too much going on tonight until "Mad Men" comes on, we thought we would do a satirical things to do list for this coming week:

1. Get the current issue of "Writer's Digest"

2. Actually write something, even a haiku.

3. Drive to Winchester, Va., to find the late country singer Patsy Cline's grave (pict. center)

4. Call "The Baltimore Sun" and ask them to send today's Sunday edition of their newspaper to my address even though I live six hours away from them (the Baltimore Orioles start their season tomorrow....we think)....

5. Mapquest directions to Portland, Maine, so you can see a Portland Sea Dogs minor league baseball team, even though Maine is pretty freaking far from Virginia.

6. Play Ms. Pac-Mac for 6.5 hours

7. Watch the entire first two seasons of the '70s BBC comedy series "Are You Being Served?" (pictured bottom......I think my friend Chris Knight is the only person my age who actually watches this show regularly....)

8. Laundry

9. Carwash

10. Dishes

http://wvtf.org/

http://www.writersdigest.com/

http://www.visitwinchesterva.com/

http://www.baltimoresun.com/

https://www.facebook.com/portlandseadogs

http://www.aybscentral.com/

http://www.theknightshift.com/

The Last Ten Songs We Heard on Simon-FM Greensboro, NC: 'Play Piano Man, Man'

Greetings to our blog readers in Dubai, Greece and Panama....

And, a special hello to those of us visiting us from Portland, Oregon, where the IFC show "Portlandia" takes place; it is now 8:16 a.m. in the west coast United States, and hopefully you will get more done in the next three hours than those of us here on the east coast did this morning!

Today, also happens to be World Radio Day, so I send a special shout out to WUVT (90.7 FM-Blacksburg, Va.) where I used to play songs from the late Turkish pop star Baris Manco and Ibrahim Tatlises (who is still alive) during "The Turkish Music Hour," I co-hosted in 1994.

Manco is not in the Simon-FM (98.7-Greensboro, NC) play list, which proves they don't really play everything as their promotion touts, but they do play everything from soft core heavy metal to hip hop.

Here are ten songs we heard during the 2:00-3:00 p.m. hour on Tuesday (in reverse order):

1. M.C. Hammer (pict. bottom) "U Can't Touch This." 1990

2. Creedence Clearwater Revival. "Fortunate Son." 1969

3. Duran Duran. "Rio." 1982.

4. Aerosmith. "Rag Doll." 1986

5. Steve Winwood. "Back in the High Life Again." 1986.

6. Jet. "Are You Gonna Be My Girl." 2003

7. Michael Jackson. "The Way You Make Me Feel." 1987

8. Pat Benatar. (pict. center) "Invincible." 1985.

9. Billy Joel (pict. top) "Piano Man." 1973

10. The Offspring. "Self-Esteem." 1994


http://www.987simon.com

 http://www.wuvt.vt.edu

http://www.ifc.com/shows/portlandia

 http://www.worldradioday.org

Our Favorite TV Shows of 2013: Of Course, "Breaking Bad" is Numero Uno

A good friend of mine had this awesome blog dedicated just to tv and films. That was it! But, he was on top of everything. And, he was amazing. Whenever the Golden Globes aired, as they are tonight here in a half-hour, he would blog about the awards as if he were right there.

As an homage to that blog, we are putting our very first Ten Best TV Shows of the List, which is astonishing because as a movie person who also likes college sports (except football) I always thought watching sitcoms like "Roseanne" and "8 Rules About Dating My Daughter" were a complete waste of time.

But, cable tv offered amazing fare this year! And, we didn't even watch any network like "Scandal" or "Hannibal" or Netflix shows like "Orange is the New Black" or "House of Cards," plus we don't have HBO, so no "Veep" either.

But, we saw 12 good shows, two of which, "Bates Motel" and "Top of the Lake" didn't make the cut, but these ten shows did:

1) Breaking Bad (AMC; pictured top): Paste Magazine, Slant Magazine, Rolling Stone, Penthouse (well, we've never subscribed to them, but....), well, it's possible if "Mother Jones" and "National Review" readers agreed on anything this year, it was that this the best show of the year. Some have even said it's the best show ever made. We'll let tv historians sort through that. The image above is of a certain pink teddy bear which fanatic followers show feel is a symbol of how Walter White lost his soul.

2) Portlandia (IFC): Amazingly this show which has a season premiere again in February, didn't make any of the lists we saw! But, it's absolutely hysterical! In fact, perhaps, IFC should send Fred and Carrie over to Portland, Maine, instead of Portland, Oregon, for an April Fool's show!

3) "Rectify" (Sundance): As good as any independent film one can watch!

4) "The Americans" (F/X): This is the reason why we have an image of the Soviet flag at the bottom; this show should have been awful. Soviet agents with perfect American accents posing as a suburban couple in Arlington, Va (or somewhere around there) who happen to neighbor a FBI/CIA agent?! But, it somehow works quite splendidly.

5) "Homeland" (Showtime): Hmmm....yeah, we can't say much without issuing a Spoiler Alert as Season Three had quite the shocking finale!

6) Mad Men (AMC): This is still an exceptional show at every level.

7) Orphan Black (BBC-America): Like "The Americans" this show seemed way too implausible as it revolves around seven young women who look exactly alike living across America and Europe (plus, one in Canada), but it is quite an adrenaline rush.

8) Masters of Sex (Showtime): Wow! What-a-show!

9) Maron (IFC): A sitcom passed on a podcast?! The results are hysterical.

10) Archer (F/X): Like the comic strip "Zippy the Pinhead," this foul-mouthed Millennials version of "Get Smart" didn't work for me at first, but it gradually won me over; Season Three starts tomorrow night!

http://www.ifc.com


http://www.amctv.com/shows/breaking-bad

http://www.sho.com

Soccer Night_ MLS Run-Down

Yes, yes, yes.....we aware that a new week of soccer is underway both here in America and around the globe, but we do have scores and standings as of LAST week in Major League Soccer.

The Montreal Impact are standing strong in the Eastern Conference, which includes teams from Houston and Kansas City (?!), but at least the San Jose Earthquakes play in the West. They won a home game over the Chicago Fire by a 2-0 score in the NBC Sports Network Game of the Week. We actually watched a tape of the game, but we can't recall who kicked the goals.

But, the Imapct feautre the likes of Matteo Ferrai (pictured top), and Italian player who also played for the Turkish team Besiktash, Dany Arnaud, an American national who is the captain, and Sanna Nyassi from Gambia.

All the way over in Portland, Ore., the Portland Timbers, a team that is in third place in the West, featured another Gambian player Mamadou Danso and a roster of players from over 15 countries, including Diego Chara (pictured botton) who is one of four Timbers players from Colombia.

Amazingly enough, DC United, one of our favorite teams and the winner of four MLS championships, is in dead last in the east with a mere 4 points, and a 3-0 loss to the Columbus Crew didn't help matters.

Here are the standings:

East

1. Montreal Impact 16

2. New York Red Bull 14

3. Houston Dynamo 14

4. Sporting Kansas City 14

West

1. FC Dallas 20

2. L.A. Galaxy (pictured) 14

3. Portland Timbers 14

4. Chivas USA (Los Angeles) 11

5. Real Salt Lake 11


Scores:

Montreal 2 Chicago 0

Vancouver 2 Dallas 2, tie

Houston 1 Colorado 1, tie

LA Galaxy 2 Real Salt Lake 0

New England 2 Philadelphia 0

Chivas 2 San Jose 2, tie

Portland 3 Sporting Kansas City 2

Columbus 3 DC United 0

http://www.impactmontreal.com.en

http://www.portlandtimbers.com

http://www.lagalaxy.com

Where's Josh Ritter?

For starters, we should point that our title is not to imply that singer/writer Josh Ritter is a missing person; it is rather a take on "Where's Waldo?"_ we are also going to explain where Ritter is performing in the coming weeks.

I have seen Ritter at Cat's Cradle three times in the last six years, and he is absolutely amazing in concert. Of course, now that I'm in my early forties, I'm glad I know the difference between Ritter and Andrew Bird.

Alas, the titles of his songs and records escape, but that's why we have Wikipedia right?

Here is where Ritter will be playing soon; and we are including a link to WXYC-FM, the student-run radio station of the University of North Carolina as he will be performing at Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC, a  community which literally borders Chapel Hill:

May 8 State Theatre Portland, Maine

May 9 Calvin Theatre Northampton, Mass.

May 11th and 12th 9:30 Club Washington, DC (both shows are sold out)

May 12 Cat's Cradle Carrboro (Chapel Hill), NC

May 13 The Orange Peel Asheville, NC

http://www.joshritter.com

http://www.930.com

http://www.catscradle.com

http://www.wxyc.org

http://www.whereswaldo.com

Record Store Day is Saturday

Albums from David Bowie, Herbie Hancock and the late Cem Karaca (1945-2004), a Turkish psychedelic music icon are among the selections one may find on any given day at an independent locally-owned record store, but Saturday is a day that has been marked as Record Store Day.

Some of the stores you may want to check out, depending on where you reside, may include Wuxtry Records in Athens, Ga. (with two other locations in the Atlanta-area), All Day Records in Carrboro (Chapel Hill), NC, Enterprise Records in Portland, Maine, and Plan 9 Records with locations in Charlottesville and Richmond, Va.

Folk/rock singer Billy Bragg who we mentioned a few entries back is also performing a regular concert at The Cat's Cradle, which is in close proximity to All Day Records, on Friday, but we imagine he will be too busy with soundchecks to stop in that store. Hopefully, if you live in Chapel Hill, that will not be the case with you.


http://www.wuxtry-records.com

http://www.alldayrecords.com

http://www.catscradle.com

http://www.billybragg.com

http://www.davidbowie.com

http://www.recordstoreday.com

http://www.enterpriserecords.net

http://www.plan9music.com

Casualties of Modern Technology (9 of 12)_ Pinball Machines

The rock band The Who had a memorable song from their rock opera "Tommy," about a blind pinball wizard who a miracolous sensation. Today, teenagers may have a hard time understanding the song because there are fewer pinball machines in existence that there were in 1976 when that song was popular.

The pinball machine is a coin-operated arcade game that was formally developed in 1931. The flippers were introduced in 1947. And, solid state electronics were formalized with the pinball game "Hot Tip" in 1977.

There was an initial decline in pinball machine useage in the 1980s thanks to the likes of video games, such as "Ms. Pac-Man" and "Donkey Kong." But, the pinball machines industry fought back by developing innovative pop culture games, such as "The Addams Family" and "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

The machines have again declined in the advanced hom video games Angry Birds era, though according to Wikipedia, the Illinois pinball company PinBall Manufacturing produced 178 reproductions of the the popular pinball game "Bing Bang Bar" in 2006.

Many pinball players are known to cheat by tipping the machines and even attaching a piece of string to a coin and lowering the counter switch to get free games.

Popular brands include "Dolly Parton" (1979) that was the brainchild of George and Dave Christensen who developed the pinball game for Bally.

There is also "Dirty Harry" (1992), which is based on the succesful "Dirty Harry"
(1971) film with Clint Eastwood which spurred many less remarkable sequels. This particular game, which I also saw at a laundromat in the hamlet of New Castle, Va., (near Roanoke) has sold for between $1,800-$4,000 via Internet auctions.

One can find a Pinball Hall of Fame museum in Las Vegas, which has 400 games.

Additionally, there is Rose City Pinball in Portland, Ore., which hosts weekly tournaments.

Road Trip- Vermont to Montana

Usually when we have an entry about coffee, we go with an image of Too Much Coffee Man, the beloved cult comic strip icon created by (mr) Shannon Wheeler in 1988. Wheeler, who now lives in Portland, Oregon, is actually a Facebook friend of mine, and I figured at some point he might get irked with me for using his beloved creation, that was turned into an opera!, without his permission. Wheeler's comic strips also included Too Much Coffee's beloved friend Too Much Espresso Man, who was a man with a little coffee cup over his head.

So, we are going with an image we saw on a poster at the late, great Backstreet Buzz coffeehouse in Reidsville, NC, instead.

And, our focus today is actually the distance between two coffeeshops which are very, very far apart.

The first of the two destinations is the Radio Bean, a coffeehouse in Burlington, Vermont, a city that is said to be one of the very best places to have coffee here in les etats unis.

The other coffee joint is Liquid Planet is Missoula, Montana, located in one of the eight states I have not physically visited (well, I did go to the Detroit Airport once to change planes so I'm not sure if Michigan should count as one of the eight, but I've definitely never been to Montana).

According to Mapquest, road construction around the Chicago suburb of Gary, Indiana, may pose problems for anyone who is actually traveling this route which would also go through southern Minnesota and South Dakota.

So, just how long would it take to get from Burlington, Vt., to Missoula, Mont.?

Here are your choices:

A) 40 hours, 45 minutes

B) 43 hours even

C) 45 hours, 15 minutes

D) 48 hours even

By the way, that is a bobblehead doll of a newlywed couple on a motorcycle heading on for a honeymoon. I imagine they would choose a trip that took considerably less time!

Weekend Road Trip (7 of 20)- Portland, Maine to Altoona, Pa.

You know you've been blogging way too long when you google a term like 'lobster van' on Google Images, and you get a link to your own blog! Such is the case with this image, which is from Myrtle Beach, SC. We have also previously used the Shell Gas Station in Winston-Salem, NC, first built in 1930 which no longer in operation, but has thankfully been preserved as a tourist attraction.

But, today we are actually asking you the devoted blog-reader who has assuredly been with me ever day since we start in September of 2005 how far apart the city of Portland, Maine, is from Altoona, Pa. Of course, since most of our fans are in Uzbekistan and Norway (well, we like to believe that though we were actually linked to an Uzbeki web site--not sure if it still exists!), they are probably confused!

Of course, everyone knows, well everyone outside of Tashkent and Oslo, knows that Maine is known for their lobsters and that is why we chose that image. But, even folks in les etats unis, may not know that Altoona, Pa., is the headquarters of Sheetz, which has like 3.4 million gas stations on the east coast. I have pumped gas at their stations in Ridgeway, Va., Greensboro, NC, Akron, Ohio, and well_Altoona, Pa., among many other places.

Both Portland, Maine, and Altoona, Pa., also have double-A minor league baseball teams in the Eastern League. Friday night, the Portland Sea Dogs lost 9-7 to the New Britain Rock Cats in Connecticut. They host the Binghamton Mets from New York state at 6:00 p.m. on Monday. We were curious to see what a sea dog looked like, and we saw this great image from jellyfishday.blogspot.com, but this blog's managing editor Dennis Alexander* thought the lobster was more suitable.

As for the Altoona Curve, they lost to the Richmond Flying Squirrels (I guess they got permission from the Jay Ward estate as well as the copyright holders of "Rocky and Bullwinkle") in Virginia 3-2 on Saturday.

For this project, we looked at the distance between Longfellow Books, an independent bookstore in Portland, Maine, and Robert's Service Station in Altoona, Pa., which may be one of the three not-Sheetz gas stations in town.

Uh huh, it looks like our Honduran intern Javier**, who is on Spring Break from George Mason University, actually forgot to Mapquest this. Sorry, dear readers. We will have a talk with Javier.

But, we have the answer now; is it:

A) 9 hours

B) 10 hours

C) 11 hours

D) 12 hours

Speaking of indy bookstores, we just saw Sarah Vowell promote her new book "Unfamiliar Fishes" about the American colonization of Hawai'i on C-Span 2 (Book TV). Vowell's talk was recorded at Book People, an indy bookstore in Austin, Tex.

Catherynne M. Valente will talk at Longfellow Books in Portland, Maine, about her new book "Deatless" on Apr. 28 at 7:00 p.m. The book is apparently about the conflict between magical history and actual history.

The answer to last week's Weekend Road Trip Quiz was C) 41 hours, 57 minutes_ that's how far apart Las Vegas and Pawtucket, RI, are. See you back here soon....I hope!

*- Dennis Alexander is my psedonymn and in-joke; it is rarely used

**-Yeah, as you expected, there is no Javier the intern!

High School of the Week- Glenvar High School (Salem, Va)

Today, as a farewell to the High School of the Week series, I am profiling Glenvar High School in Salem, Va., which is my own alma mater!

We are also profiling Woodrow Wilson High School in Washington, DC, since we realize that by mentioning high schools from all 50 states, we snubbed our very own nation's capital!

The actual school I mentioned the first time around for Virginia was William Byrd High School in Vinton, which like Glenvar is a Roanoke County school.

As for Woodrow Wilson High School, their famous alumni include Warren Buffet and former Washington DC mayor Adrian Fenty (just lost reelection in November; he graduated in 1988 the same year as me!).

But, for Glenvar High School, aka Highlander High, which had 637 students in 2009, well there aren't many famous alumni. In fact, I was probably the first person of Middle Eastern heritage to graduate until my little sister did in 1992. I suspect no other Turkish-Americans or Arab-Americans have joined us which is certainly not the case at Woodrow Wilson HS which has students from 85 different countries!

However, there is Rick Huddle, a story-teller/entertainer in Portland, Ore., who graduated from GHS in 1987. In fact, we were on the same soccer team in which Rick actually got to play while I sat on the misreable bench.

Huddle has been acclaimed by "The Oregonian" for his 'rubbery face and expressive body language.' And, on his web site rickhuddle.com, the entertainer has this quip from author Marc Acito: "Rick Huddle is the Hoover vacuum of storytellers- he just sucks you right in."

As for my school, the current GHS principal is Joe Hafey. The Wikipedia page for GHS cites Coach Dickie Myers, who taught me earth science in the ninth grade, for his 30 years of teaching and coaching. Among the sports that Myers coached were wrestling, cross country and track.

As for more recent alumni, I heard that Evan DeHart has returned home from a tour of duty (in presumably Afghanistan) with the Marines. We are glad he is back, even if Salem, Va., is only just slightly more hip and happening than Kandahar province. Well, we do have a Starbucks now, oh, I forgot---there are two of them in fact!

SIDEBAR: NPR tweeted today that the community of Hacker Valley, WVa, zip code 2622, is reeling from the loss of their post office as the next closest one is in the town of Diana, which makes for a 40-minute round trip!

SIDEBAR TWO: As I was driving past the Greyhound bus station in Burlington, NC, a few weeks ago, I thought about what would be the longest continental bu strip one could take from there. And, we found out that if the city's mayor Ronnie K. Hall wanted to visit his counterpart Doug Issacson of North Pole, Alaska (whom we profiled a long time ago), it would take 74 hours and four minutes for a total of 4,326.22 miles. Much of the trip would go through western Canada, including Saskatoon and Edmonton. The same trek is a mere 72 hours and 30 minutes from my hometown of Salem, Va.

SIDEBAR THREE: The main Twitter trending words today are Roll Tide, Thanksgiving Dinner, Gobble Gobble, Friday Shopping, Wal-Mart and Leftovers. We hope the mere mention of these words inflates our hit total for today!